Amy's Story

I was recently contacted by Amy with a message that really moved me and I asked if I could share it. I am so grateful to her for allowing me to do so.


John,

You don't know me personally. I am on your MySpace because I'm a fan of the Hack & Slash shows. But, I felt compelled to write to you when I read your new blog.

My Grandfather died suddenly in January, and we were unable to bury his ashes until yesterday. He was incredibly important to me and we were very close. Of course, you know that when you lose someone dear to you, it's very painful for a while... but then your heart begins to heal and you move on, keeping them in your memory. But since my Grandfather's death almost 4 months ago, I wake up every morning and the pain feels fresh again. My sorrow will sneak up on me, and I will sit and sob for hours, totally inconsolable. My poor husband doesn't know what to do for me, and it's beginning to affect our young marriage. But I don't know how to turn it off, how to control it... and I can't find a way to turn it into something positive. I have been struggling with my faith... unsure of a "loving" God who will allow one of His children to experience pain like I have that will not subside, with no relief in sight. I just don't know what to do with all this darkness I have inside me. I was so angry with God for letting this happen. My Pop was relatively healthy, still had his right mind and still lived at home with my Grandmother. I had such high hopes that he would one day be able to see and hold his great-grandchildren, and that they would know the man that shaped who I am in so many ways.


When we got home from Pop's burial yesterday, I happened to read your blog last night (Ask and you shall receive no matter how much it hurts- john) It gave me a new perspective on my pain... and more importantly, some insight into why I felt that all the other everyday things that went wrong were a personal slight against me from God or Karma or whatever was causing these things to happen. I see now, that my negative way of viewing my Grandfather's death, and my inability to find some sort of solace was making everything else only seem worse than it was.


So, as I sat in mass this morning for another death on my husband's side of the family, I prayed for God to help me find peace in my soul, to help me let go of my Grandfather and to see him resting comfortably and happy where there is no more pain. As I prayed, crying what felt like the last tears I would shed for my Pop, God allowed me to see an image of him standing near our family at his grave while the minister prayed for his soul. He was wearing his favorite baby blue blazer, smiling, with one hand in his pocket and the other holding a drink (as he always stood, as we would all remember him). Then I saw him walk past the family, touching each of us on the shoulder or cheek on his way by. He walked down the path through the cemetery, and as he reached the gate, I smiled and looked back at the flowers on his headstone, simply knowing Who was waiting for him just outside the gate. Just then, a sense of relief washed over me... so strong, like nothing I had ever felt before, like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I could breathe again. I left that church feeling at peace for the first time in 4 months.


I don't know if that image was the product of an overactive imagination or not, but I believe it was God helping me find the peace I asked for. I believe that God really does work in mysterious ways, and I believe that in some small way, you were inspired to write those words on April 3rd so you could inspire me. I see now that it wasn't that God didn't want to console me and take away my pain, it was that my doubt was in His way. "Ask and you shall receive no matter how much it hurts"... no words have been more true.


So, thank you, John. Thank you for helping me find God again, and thank you for helping me find the path to heal my heart. I still have a lot of pain to let go of, but I finally feel like I'm heading in the right direction.

Take Care,

Amy

UPDATE:After asking If I could share her story Amy sent me this reply:


Absolutely, I don't mind at all! If I can be of any help, please let me know. I also wanted to give you a little update in case you were wondering. My relationship with my husband is better than ever... these days I wake up rested and smiling... and I deal with everyday problems with an optimistic attitude - a huge change from just one week ago! There is a Sufi saying that my Grandmother found after Pop died and she wanted me to share it with you - "When the heart grieves for what is lost, the soul rejoices for all that is left." I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life.

Amy